Why I Can’t Get On Board With Gratitude

OK, I know what you’re probably thinking….

You aren’t grateful?! What the hell does that even mean?!

Hear me out.

The word gratitude…well, it just doesn’t sit all that well with me. To clarify though, I think it’s less about the actual definition of the word, and more because it feels like an obligation, or a way to shame people.

You’ve seen many examples of what I’m talking about, I’m sure. Maybe you’ve been part of a conversation that is undermining your personal struggles with the comment that “You Should Be Grateful You’re Not”….(insert whatever worse off scenario is not your current reality) But in all actuality, your struggles are still your struggles and they are valid.  Playing the comparison game of who has it worse is only making people feel just that…worse!

Maybe there has been a time when you were punished for your assumed lack of gratitude.  Some of these wounds or traumas may run deep and go back to childhood.  Food has been known to be used as a tool or emotional weapon. Have you experienced that?

Maybe you were expected to eat the food on your plate even if you didn’t like it.  Perhaps you were forced to eat ALL of what was on your plate even when you were already full, rather than being allowed to save it for later.  No doubt the culture around that table was one that enforced “gratitude”.  I know because the conversations were the same around many tables I sat at as a child.  The comments were made, making you feel guilty or ashamed, because at least you had food to eat.  Maybe food was even withheld from you until you started “acting grateful” again.  But it wasn’t a fair burden for anyone, especially not a child.  

Have there been times you have been encouraged to start a gratitude list?  I’ll admit, I have tried this many times.  It’s reflective and good for a little while, but then the obligation…the guilt of this practice starts to creep in.  Maybe it’s easy for some, but this has just never been something that I could sustain.  Because while yes, I love my son and need him like I need air…what if I’m really frustrated and in tears about all things motherhood today, and the theme of today’s gratitude assignment is, list 10 reasons you are grateful to be a mom?!  So now, I don’t only have guilt brewing, but failure as well.

(Pssst…you can absolutely LOVE being a mother, and NOT love the actual things that are involved with motherhood.  That’s one of the things no one wants to say, but a lot of us feel). 

But that doesn’t mean you are ungrateful for your child! What it does mean is that you are human and feel all the feels, which hopefully you are teaching your little is okay for them too.

That goes for anything else too. Maybe you are really hating your job lately…but that doesn’t equate to not wanting it or the benefits that come with it just because you cannot create a full list of gratitude towards it.

Oh, but the look of shame the world glares at you!… How dare you feel anything less than immense gratitude when others are praying for the things you already have? 

Does any of this sound familiar?  Can you relate to any of it?

Ok look…. I’m not implying that you should become UNgrateful, or start taking everything and everyone around you for granted.

What I am saying is this.

Let’s stop overusing the word grateful. It has become so very saturated…so overused, misused and abused.  The word at its core, should be something incredibly conscious, mindful and loving…a word that is used with such deliberate heartfelt purpose that there is almost a pause or stillness when it’s spoken.  

If you aren’t going to use the word in that way, just don’t.  It’s like the automatic response of, “Good, how are you?”, whenever someone asks how you are.  It’s so programmed you don’t even hear yourself say it!

We live in a culture of overconsumption.  When you apply that truth to times of the year like this, what many of us refer to as the “holiday season”, (which btw, doesn’t feel like an actual holiday at all because everyone is over stressed, overburdened, over budget, and honestly…I’m over it!…But I digress…that’s a different conversation), the gratitude that is being spewed, pushed, and shoved back and forth is more like binge living in the worse way.

And that does not feel good to me.

What DOES feel good to me, is seeking out and paying attention to the delights. 

A while back, I swapped out the word gratitude for delights.  And I really can’t say enough about how that changed everything for me!  It really puts intention into all that I am appreciative for!

And unlike gratitude…the word delight speaks on the joys, the love, the smiles, and the warmth you’re truly feeling.

Give it a try! And allow yourself to elaborate a bit. Instead of saying, “I’m so grateful for this food”, try out, “This soup tastes delightful and is so warm and full of flavor!”.  

What a different feeling that has!

I’m no longer saying…, I’m so grateful you are here”.  Instead, I’ll be mindful to say, “I’m so delighted to see you!” 

Try this word delight on.  Start saying it in place of gratitude and see how it feels.  I bet other people will notice the change and feel the warmth too!

I’m so very delighted that you reached the end of this post! Please share it with someone else that would love to remove gratitude from their lives! 😊